A while back, I was driving my dad's car to a psych appointment. He had the radio tuned to talk radio, and someone was talking about his experience as bi-polar. He was already into his comments, and I couldn't catch who he was, but he was some sort of government official. He talked about how his condition affected his relationships, his ability to mentor, to empathize. He talked about the downsides, how the periods of extremes that confused the people around him and caused "a sense of betrayal." I liked that phrase. The host later asked him about it, and he backed away from the word "betrayal" a bit.
"A sense of betrayal." Betrayal is a word I connected heavily with. Although, I always liked the word "of," as well. It reminds me of the word hlaf, which means "loaf of bread." Incidentally, that is also where the word "lord" comes from, originally hlafweard, or "keeper of the loaf." Which puts "the Lord God" into a cool perspective. I may have gotten sidetracked... I was talking about the other word: betrayal.
I am not a very good friend. Between periods of depression, the stress of maintaining relationships, and a fair amount of agoraphobia, it's hard to be a friend. The kicker is that the longer I go without seeing someone, the more guilt I feel, and the harder it is to get involved in their lives again, to the point of breaking off relationship completely. If you feel like I am exaggerating things for sympathy, keep this in mind: I haven't met my best friend's youngest son... and he's about 3 years old now.
It's not that I don't care about my friends. I really do. I even consider them close. Their friendship, even if distant, continues to impact my life. Just to know that, somewhere out there, someone truly knows me and cares for me, that is a beautiful gift.
I don't know all the time how they feel about me. I don't know if they are hurt, if they feel a sense of betrayal at my absence in their lives. I suspect they often do. And it helped me to hear another man confess his own inadequacy on the radio.
I suspect people who are bi-polar or wrestle with anxiety don't have a stranglehold on broken relationships. I suspect it's a natural cycle of any relationship. But, like with mood, bi-polar creates a higher high and a lower low than many people normally experience. I suspect that relationships are forged in our ability to overcome the moments of hurt and betrayal. They are the crucible. I suspect that, though relationships often become strained, though I am seldom a good friend, my relationships are deep, important, and filled with love on each side.
Okay, end of cheesy rant. I love you all. :) ... Except for you, Benji. You didn't name your youngest son Tiger Park, and I feel a sense of betrayal.
